Beyond the Scars: How to Support a Loved One Who Self-Harms

“Virtual vs. In-Person Therapy Options – Central Florida”

If you’ve ever found out that someone you care about is self-harming, it’s a gut-wrenching moment. You want to help them, but you're not sure how. You don’t want to make things worse, but you also don’t want to stay silent. How do you offer support without coming across as judgmental or overbearing? And how can you be there for them without crossing boundaries?

Understanding Self-Harm: A Deeper Look

Let’s start by acknowledging something really important: if your loved one is self-harming, they’re in pain. The cuts, the bruises, the scars, and the act itself are just one small piece of a much bigger picture of emotional suffering. Your role as a supportive friend or family member is not to fix them or make their pain go away (no matter how much you wish you could), but to be there with compassion and understanding. Here’s how to walk that delicate line:

1. Offer Compassion, Not Judgment

When someone is struggling with self-harm, they’re often already fighting a battle within themselves. They may feel shame, guilt, or deep emotional turmoil, which makes judgment from others feel even heavier. Instead of reacting with surprise or dismay, try to respond with calm understanding.

If your first reaction is something like, “Why would you do that to yourself?” or “That’s dangerous, you shouldn’t do that,” it’s okay to catch yourself and reframe your response. Instead, try asking, “What’s been going on for you lately?” or simply saying, “I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. How can I support you?”

The key is to make them feel seen, heard, and not alone. You’re not trying to fix anything just yet; you’re offering a space where they don’t have to feel like they have to hide their pain.

2. What Not to Say

Now, let’s talk about some things that might unintentionally hurt or push your loved one further away, even if you don’t mean to.

• “You’re just doing this for attention.” – This is one of the most harmful things you can say. Self-harm isn’t about seeking attention; it’s a coping mechanism for overwhelming emotions. By dismissing their pain as attention-seeking, you’re invalidating their experience.

• “Other people have it worse.” – While it’s true that people have different struggles, comparing someone’s pain to another person’s can make them feel isolated or like their feelings aren’t valid. Pain isn’t something that’s quantifiable. Just because someone else’s story is different doesn’t mean your loved one’s pain is any less real.

• “Why can’t you just stop?” – If only it were that simple, right? Self-harm is often a result of feeling overwhelmed, out of control, or incapable of dealing with emotions in a healthier way. Instead of “just stop,” offer support in ways that help them seek healthier alternatives.

3. Encourage Seeking Help

While you can provide emotional support, you're not a therapist (and that’s okay!). Encouraging your loved one to seek professional help can be one of the most important things you do. But this needs to be approached with care. Instead of pushing them to get help when they’re not ready, let them know that seeking help is a brave step.

You could say, “I think talking to a therapist might help, but I understand if you’re not ready. If you ever want to look into it together, I’ll be here.” It’s important to offer resources without making them feel pressured. There are also hotlines, text services, and online therapy options that can feel less intimidating than walking into a counselor's office.

4. Practical Ways to Offer Support Without Being Overbearing

Balance is key. You want to be supportive, but you also don’t want to overwhelm them. Here are a few ideas to keep things in perspective:

• Check in, but don’t hover. Offering regular check-ins like “How are you feeling today?” can show that you care. Just make sure it’s not constant or invasive. You don’t need to be on the phone with them 24/7; it’s more about being available and consistent.

• Validate their feelings. Saying things like, “I understand that you're feeling really overwhelmed” can go a long way. Sometimes, the most supportive thing you can do is simply listen without offering a solution. Let them talk (or not talk) when they’re ready.

• Help them find healthy outlets. Encouraging healthy coping mechanisms like journaling, art, or even physical activity can be a gentle way to suggest alternatives to self-harming. If they’re open to it, you could even offer to try something together, like painting, running, or meditation.

• Know when to take a step back. It’s easy to want to “fix” everything, but sometimes your loved one may need space. Respect their boundaries and be understanding when they need time alone. Let them know you’re still there when they’re ready.

5. Remember: You Don’t Have to Be Perfect

Supporting someone through self-harm is tough. There’s no manual on how to do it “right,” and sometimes you’ll make mistakes. What’s most important is that you are consistent, compassionate, and patient. Show them that their pain doesn’t define them, and they’re not alone in their struggle.

If you’re unsure, ask questions. “How can I support you better?” or “What’s most helpful for you right now?” can be incredibly powerful. Your willingness to learn and adapt as you go will mean the world to your loved one.

In the end, it’s about making your loved one feel safe, supported, and less alone. It’s not about having all the answers, but simply being there in a way that’s gentle and full of care. Even small gestures, like offering a hug or a quiet moment together, can mean more than you might ever know.

Final Thoughts: How to Make a Lasting Difference

Supporting someone who self-harms isn’t easy, but it's one of the most meaningful things you can do. It takes patience, empathy, and a lot of love. By offering a non-judgmental, compassionate presence, you’ll be helping them in ways that go far beyond the surface.

You’ve got this!

If you or someone you know is struggling with self-harm, it’s important to seek support. At New Light Counseling, we offer compassionate therapy services to help individuals navigate recovery in a safe, supportive environment.

Contact us today to schedule a session and take the first step toward healing.